step on the scale...

Today I went to my local urgent care center to diagnose my sinus infection that has been plaguing me for almost 2 weeks now. I knew that they would ask me to step up on the scale, as they always do when you are triaged. However, nothing could have prepared me for the numbers that I saw glaring back at me. 173.6 lbs........I followed that with a much higher than normal blood pressure, which I promptly blamed on the psuedefed PE I had taken. Knowing full well that the dramatic rise in my blood pressure was in fact the direct result of the recent tipping of the scale.

So now begins my new journey. In this world of instant gratification, I find it much easier to eat what ever I find appealing at the moment and not acutally contemplating the results or should I say weight gain that will follow. I see people, even complete strangers and find myself immediately looking at their mid-sections to see if they look better or worse than me. Twisted I know, but I know that I am not looking my best.

I am a mother of 3, a wife of one, and 2 dogs, 8 fish, a house, a dance teacher, a Mary Kay consultant and huge extended family leaves me aching for something that is mine and only mine. For whatever reason, I have chosen food and shopping. I rely on those moments to take me back to when I was younger and resposible for so much less. It doesn't make it right, but it is why I think I do it. I have days when going to the bathroom is not even a private moment. So often I find my guilty pleasures in something sweet, or a cheeseburger, a coke, anything that is completely mine, that I don't have to share and no one can tell me I can't have it.

You know things are out of hand when you leave to shop around meal times so that you can get some sort of fast food and eat it in the car alone. I am at an impass and can no longer fit into the fat pants and let's face it, I don't want to know what the skinny jeans look like on me now. It is no longer normal for me to see slender woman that are my age with children, whom I instantly despise because they are thin. That was me once upon a time. I was the skinny one. Now I am the total and complete opposite of skinny.

Tomorrow will begin a day of better choices with each meal. Maybe joining weight watchers, or some other weight loss type program. All I know is, I can not continue on at this pace. I want the old skinny me back. And yes, I realize that I will never be high school skinny again, but I can get healthy again. I must find something else to replace the feeling that I need to have something that is only mine, food is not it!

Join me on my journey as I share my highs and lows, my successes and my failures. I know the road ahead will be bumpy and have lots of turns and hills. I am ready to conquer this and move on to a better place for myself and for my family.